I don't like having cold feet.

I wonder if you remember a post that I posted many moons ago. About all of my completely rational fears. Bug sized cars and what not.

Tonight, betwixt normal thoughts, I seem to be fretting again.

Except this time they don't seem to be nearly as amusing. This eve, I seem to be pondering the things I actually do fear.

This isn't to say that my true fears aren't preposterous too, they're just more... threatening to me. I don't know, don't make me explain this portion further, I'm just trying to entertain you a little.

There is a little more prefix to go through before you get to the fear part. Sit tight.

I have found that lots of people, my friends, and people I really don't know but stalk via the internet, enjoy letting others know the things that make them happy. In theory, very entertaining, especially when the things that make you happy are silly or are easy to relate to. I don't doubt that one day very shortly I will sit down and type out many of the things that I find bring me some small deal of pleasure in this world. I just keep freaking out that the list is going to be tiny and I'm going to realize that nothing makes me happy and that I actually hate life. Then I'm going to have to start wearing dark makeup and writing even more awful poetry.

Good segue, hey?

So yeah, I worry about suddenly realizing that I don't like anything. Hasn't happened yet.

I worry consistently about bothering other people with my problems. Like, if I'm telling someone about how I'm upset about this thing or the other, that I'm simply boring them with my drivel. I very recently was talking to a dear friend about things that were causing me a great deal of distress at the time. Early morning, you know who you are. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I couldn't help but spend the entire conversation worrying that I was driving them mad with my pathetic problems. This is rather the ironic fear, as I am definitely one of those people who is willing to listen to anyones troubles, no matter who, about no matter what.

I worry that I'm going to alienate someone I care for with some off hand comment. The wrong thing said at the wrong time. I don't think I've managed to do this yet, but I do believe that's why it's a fear, yeah?

I worry that I'm never going to find something that I am legitimately good at.

Balding. Explains itself, thank you.

I worry about being single forever, or even worse, jumping into a foolish relationship simply out of desperation.

I worry that I'm going to be stuck here forever. Acting out the motions of life, working, eating, and sleeping. What a dreadful thing, that we have such a magnificent world, and yet people are unwilling to explore it.

A few of many.

Complex creatures we are, so capable of fear. It's good to remember how we are equally capable of hope, and through hope, action, and through action, life. Regardless of the fears that try to cripple us.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I wish I could draw.

I would fill my room with drawings of David Tennant and Christopher Eccleston. As their incarnations of The Doctor, of course.

I saw those looks. I'm no creep.

They would be flying over worlds in The TARDIS, and battling Daleks, and Cybermen. Billie Piper can come along, I like her too, oh and John Barrowman, and Freema Agyeman.

Noel Clarke too, if he stays quiet. Jeez.

Yes. All Doctor Who characters. Get over it. I can do what I wish with my imaginary talents.

In all seriousness though. If I could draw. I would devote a great deal of time to decorating my room with pictures of these people. And you people. You folk reading this. Hey, it's a nice sentiment! Don't look at me like that.

Yeah, my obsessive side is starting to show. I get a huge kick out of Doctor Who. British accents, quirky characters, the concept of free travel. Fighting the forces of evil. It's a great thing to me. I might be a bit more into it than is normal, but I've never claimed to be so inclined.

It evens me out, makes me a bit happier. Makes me dream again.

I think that's what The Doctor is all about. Dreams, and making them real.

Restless

-May I offer a proposition here and say that according to science, time is relative. Now, according to creationism, time follows God's movements. Two mutually compatible, verifiable laws of the universe. As such, six thousands years can be either an arbitrary label invented by power hungry charlatans, or a valid number based of the length of God's day, and Man's year.-


I stumbled across a quote rather similar to this a couple of week ago. I rewrote it as best as I could remember it. The relativity of time has always fascinated me. The very concept of time is brilliant. 


I thought some of you might find this interesting.

I don't particularly care for April Fools.

I realized tonight, that I seem to have a tendency to complain a great deal about the hand that I have been dealt. I tend to complain to myself a great deal more than I do to others, and I hope that this statement rings true to everyone. If I actually am just the most annoying person ever, please, tell me in a tactful fashion. Haha, no one wants to get their feelings hurt.

In any case, what I'm trying to get at is that I seem to complain, and not act. Whereas, it makes far more sense to either shut up and get around to doing the things that would make my life better, or instead to shut up and just deal with it. Either of these options would probably make me feel significantly better during my late night shenanigans. I tend to sit in front of my computer and mope about what I could be doing better with my life. Of course, I do this whilst I stare blankly at the computer screen. When I could be sleeping. Preparing for the next day, wherein I could do some of the things that I wish that I did.

Idiot.

Haha, maybe not quite. Unmotivated, maybe. Even so, I seem to have figured this out a little bit, and as a result, I'm going to do my best in the next little while to get my act together. I have a few outstanding tasks that need to be completed before my life can move forward in a meaningful fashion. I have no doubts that I can get them done within the week if I set my mind to it. However, this could quite possibly mean an end to my late night activities. As I can't seem to be a productive member of society when I sleep all day. Another revelation brought about seemingly by a lack of sleep.

This entire blog post thus far has been written in a rapid fire fashion, which hopefully explains the amount of rambling that I am doing. I seem to be finding it to be calming. Listening to some soft happy music also seems to be calming me. I plan on talking a walk as soon as I am done with this post. Yeah, it's five in the morning. I don't really mind. I'm really hoping the birds are already out in force. That would make me a happy boy. Oh, so happy.

I've written out a small list of things that I desire. All of them cost more money than I have immediate access too. So I'm going to have to do some budgeting and some saving. Buy some things with gift money instead of work money which is going towards other important ventures. Maybe, anyways. Haha, I'm the worst with money, and I know it quite well. We'll all see, I suppose. If I suddenly have a plethora of new things, you will know that I have failed epicly in my quest to find some sort of control in my life. Hehe.

So, this may very well be the longest blog post I've written in months. That's rather pleasing to me. Although it might set something silly. Like a precedent.

Don't expect long posts from me. Ever.

This is a treat from my person to your person. Personal eyes. Of course.

Oh, hey. You know that tendency I have to end my longer posts with some sort of music, or song? Well, that's not happening this time. You know what? I don't think I'm even going to fini